In celebration of a successful overhaul of my Photo Gallery to the new and improved version 2 (technically Release Candidate 2, codenamed “kthxbye”), I decided this morning to retire my Left Contact Lens #2 and upgrade to Left Contact Lens #3!! (Okay, that’s not really the reason, but whatever.) Thanks for everything, Bausch & Lomb!
I know some of you guys cannot believe this earthshattering news. Well, after consulting my faithful Outlook calendar, I’ve decided to publish the timeline as I can reconstruct it, which will hopefully go down in optometry history as one of the most inspiring or pathetic acts of non-compliance in recommended contact lens usage. I have tried my best to retain accuracy in all of the described events and dates, but in some cases, I really forgot or got confused by the details, so I just made them up. And now, without further ado, a world premiere: (If you didn’t come here for a heartwarming story, but just wanted to sign up for Blingo as my friend, skip down to the Xanga entry from yesterday.)
A Brief Account of the Contact Lenses of Kenneth Chan:
October 1998: Kenneth first learns of jujitsu from his Stanford freshman roommate, Alan Dang, who describes it as “the martial art where you learn the most efficient way to break your assailant’s arm. And then you run away.” (This is a relevant piece of the story, believe me.)
June 2002: Kenneth graduates from Stanford, having learned how to BS in CS. Sadly, though always fascinated with the subject, Kenneth never got off his butt to do anything about jujitsu, except for two very disappointing “first-time” classes with the Stanford Jujitsu Club. Oh well.
June 29, 2002: Kenneth packs his bags and moves into East Palo Alto to join the household of four other Stanford / Intervarsity alumni, never to see his loving family again (details adjusted for dramatic effect).
January 20, 2003: After a ugly run-in with a coupla’ gangstas (i.e. neighborhood kids that the guys in the house took to church every Sunday), Kenneth realizes, “Crikey! I’m livin’ in da HOOD! I gotta learn me some jujitsu before I get smoked!” (or something to that effect). He looks in Your Friendly Neighborhood Yellow Pages for any sort of jujitsu in the area, and stumbles across The Kodenkan Institute in Redwood City. Resolved to put off his destiny no longer, he joins the school and places himself humbly under the instruction and guidance of Seventh Degree Black Belt (Shichi Dan) Professor James R. Musselman.
May 30, 2003: Kenneth is fed up with how often he gets kicked in the face in jujitsu, and especially fed up by how his glasses tend to cut up his face more than the kick itself. Bitterly resolved, Kenneth makes an appointment at Costco with Dr. Liam Solomovici for his first trial pair of contact lenses. Everyone at Helen Kim’s birthday party loves the new look and Kenneth tries to play it cool like it ain’t no thang, but secretly relishes all of the post-dorky-glasses attention.
June 6, 2003: Another Costco appointment for a new trial pair of contact lenses. I comment about the haloes I see at night (this is before I started playing Halo on the Xbox, mind you), so the doctor decided to try some toric lenses to correct the minor astigmatism.
June 12, 2003: Yet another Costco appointment for a new trial pair of lenses.
June 20, 2003: Another Costco appointment… (okay, I think this one’s going to be fine…)
July 11, 2003: A final trip to Costco to walk away with his very own two boxes of Bausch & Lomb SofLens66 Toric contact lenses for a grand total of $54.98! Left eye: BC 8.5, SPH -6.50, CYL -0.75, AX 150. Right eye: BC 8.5, SPH -7.00, CYL -0.75, AX 30. Five lenses in each box! Woohoo!
Being clever, Kenneth faithfully stores away the trial pair of lenses in cleaning solution and enthusiastically tears off the seals of the new Left Contact Lens #1 and Right Contact Lens #1 containers, noting that he only has four more pairs left. They fit great! For the next four weeks, he alternates between the LCL #1 / RCL #1 set and the LCL (Trial) / RCL (Trial) set, since they are each supposed to last two weeks anyway. Combined properly, they should definitely last a month. Yeah.
August 8, 2003: Kenneth faithfully throws away LCL (Trial) and RCL (Trial) after two weeks of use, as directed. (The poor fool.) However, he keeps LCL #1 and RCL #1, which show no signs of wear and tear, according to his eagle-eye. Yeah.
August 22, 2003: Hmm. LCL #1 and RCL #1 seem to be still good. Kenneth grows suspicious over all the hubbub about the need to change your (supposedly) two-week lenses every two weeks… So he decides to conduct his own unfunded investigation into the matter by seeing how long they really can last under careful usage. However, in order to at least reduce the risks of such pioneering research, he makes sure to faithfully soak his lenses in the recommended cleaning solution every night, though admittedly he had to accept the risk of going blind should the lenses actually self-destruct after some indeterminate time…
September 1, 2003: Kenneth gets invited by Vivian Gee for a one-time visit to the posh Decathlon Club in Santa Clara. He’s so excited to be able to swim *and* see clearly, for the first time ever! Somehow, he finds a way to lose RCL #1 as soon as he dives into the swimming pool, despite wearing (stupid useless) goggles. Kenneth makes a split-second assessment that he’s probably not going to find the missing lens floating around in the pool, even if it is tinted for ease of locating. In the locker room, Kenneth is saddened by the loss of half of his valuable research data, but has no choice but to open up RCL #2. LCL #1 is still good!
September, 2003: Some time that month, Kenneth accidentally tears the edge of RCL #2 and has no choice but to open up RCL #3 (after trying once or twice to insert RCL #2 in his eye anyway, and determining that this really hurt and was not actually a good idea). LCL #1 is still good!
September 2003-August 21, 2004: Honestly don’t think Kenneth changed his contacts, despite all of the consequent weeping and gnashing of teeth that occasionally occurs, which has nothing to do with wearing old contacts, of course.
August 21, 2004: Kenneth enthusiastically tries surfing under the instruction of Aaron Schaefer for the first time, and loses both contacts in the Pacific Ocean about three minutes into the surfing experience. He blames his subsequently miserable sucking at surfing (and getting torpedoed in the mouth with his own surfboard) on the lack of visual acuity. That night, he has to resort to LCL #2 and RCL #4, which puts him in a foul mood. He decides to codename RCL #5 (the yet-pristine, unused one) “the Magic Bullet” that is to be saved for a dire emergency, such as the next surf party he stumbles into unprepared.
August 21, 2004-September 1, 2005: Honestly don’t think Kenneth changed his contacts, despite all of the consequent weeping and gnashing of teeth that occasionally occurs, which has nothing to do with wearing old contacts, of course.
September 1, 2005: That would be today. Celebrate the inception of the new Gallery, and the two-year anniversary of the loss of RCL #1 in the Decathlon Club pool, by retiring LCL #2 (which has served me faithfully for over a year!) and joyously revealing LCL #3, for which is planned at least a year of faithful service. RCL #4 is still good!
Did you find this story of one man’s perseverence encouraging? Do you think the author needs professional help? Would you like to make a contribution to the Kenneth Please Get Some New Contacts or LASIK or SOMETHING Fund? Please contact niftyken to share your thoughts.
Hey! How come no mention of your future optometrist gf who’s had to suffer a year of watching your eyes turn red and tear uncontrollably until she finally convinces you to take out your contacts? I think I’m gonna have to copy this on my xanga, for my opto friends disbelief. (Btw, I like your interests :O)
wow…
p.s. nice new layout.